What Is Traumatic Bonding?

Trauma bonds are emotional bonds that form over time between a victim and their abuser. These invisible tethers are created, and cemented in place, from a recurring cycle of abuse. This cyclical abusive pattern is perpetuated, via a system of rewards and punishment, referred to as intermittent reinforcement. What is traumatic bonding and how does it keep people trapped in abusive situations?

This abusive cycle of positive reinforcement and devaluation is a vital component in the formation of trauma bonds because it is within this cycle that powerful emotional attachments develop.

We’ve all heard of Stockholm Syndrome, a psychological response to trauma, where victims of abuse bond, and even sympathize or identify with, their abuser.

Although, Stockholm Syndrome is associated with dire situations, such as kidnapping, a milder form of this syndrome can take place in any type of relationship where an imbalance of power exists.

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Traumatic Bonding Encompasses All Types Of Abuse

Trauma bonds can be insidious as they are forming, meaning the target of abuse has no idea what is happening behind the scenes. They have no clue that with each cycle of abuse and reinforcement, they are being invisibly tethered to the person who is perpetuating the crimes against them.

Abuse can be multifaceted, including:

Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Verbal abuse
Spiritual abuse
Sexual abuse
Psychological abuse
Financial abuse

Emotional attachments are common in any type of abusive situation. They form as the mind looks for ways to survive the abuse. Since trauma bonds serve as a survival mechanism against abuse, victims should never be shamed at being trauma-bonded.

Signs Of Traumatic Bonding

Here are some signs you may be the victim of a trauma bond:

Do you make excuses for your abuser’s toxic behavior?
Do you think the abuse is your fault?
Are you in denial that you’re being abused?
Are you secretive and suspicious?
Do you lie about what’s happening behind closed doors?
Do you isolate from friends and family who could offer valuable support?
Does your abuser isolate you?
Are you afraid to leave the toxic situation?
Do you focus only on the good in your abusive relationship, denying the bad?

As a way to survive, people in harm’s way may tend to focus solely on the positive, even though the rewards and positive reinforcement cycle is infrequent and inadequate.

No amount of positive reinforcement will make up for ANY type of abuse. Period! Sadly, victims can become so downtrodden in body and soul that meager crumbs of affection and kindness can give them a sense of safety and relief amidst danger.

Power Imbalance

Trauma bonds are powerful and remain strong due to a power imbalance between the victim and perpetrator. This helps to explain the phenomenon of why victims return to an abusive situation after they’re no longer in it.

A person can be so trauma-bonded that they feel an inability to exist outside of the relationship. This is also called paradoxical attachment.

Because trauma bonds are so strong, outside help is often needed in the process of breaking unhealthy attachments. Therapy can be invaluable for seeing the situation for what it truly is.

Having an informed support system, people who know the nature of the situation, is also essential because enmeshed victims can lose the ability to understand what is real and what isn’t.

Factors That Cement Trauma Bonds In Place

As mentioned previously, an imbalance of power keeps bonds intact. One example of a power imbalance is financial abuse. If the abused person is unemployed, they’ll be at the mercy of the person who is trying to control them financially.

Financial abuse is very common, as is emotional abuse. An abuser can hold emotional power over another person when that person’s emotional defenses have been so undermined that they feel they have no identity, other than the one that is defined by their relationship with the abuser.

Other factors that contribute to a person’s risk of becoming trauma bonding include: existing mental health challenges or physical problems, not living in the same city as family and friends, low self-esteem, having young children to care for, lack of finances, lack of skills, bad credit, and having nowhere safe to go if one decides it is time to go. Physical intimacy acts like a glue to cement bonds in place.

Summary

The most significant impact that trauma bonds have is they keep people stuck in abusive situations, long after the trust and love have died. The goal, then, is to become aware of what trauma bonding is, and to begin to break these ties so that the situation can be seen for what it is. People living in abusive environments can have a skewed sense of reality.

No contact is the first defense against breaking bonds. Distance is key. This is because trauma bonds are based on emotions, rather than logic. Clarity comes only after one is removed from the toxicity and fear.

Distance and safety enable the victim’s nervous system and thought processes to unwind so they can come to an understanding of what happened to them, to reason effectively, and to make sound decisions. This isn’t possible when one is living in constant chaos.

The next best defense, if no contact isn’t an option, is to grey rock the manipulator as much as possible. Ignore them, don’t look at them, keep interactions of any kind to a minimum, become unresponsive and unemotional. Basically, become uninteresting to the person who is exerting control. This technique will mitigate the impact of the abuse.