Object constancy is a term taken from Psychodynamic Theory, which explains the ability of a healthy person to view another person in an integrated light as someone who possesses both good and bad qualities. It is the ability to view someone, whom you know and love, in a favorable manner even if they’ve disappointed you; and to reason that maybe this person is acting the way they are because they are having a bad day.
In a spiritual sense, I liken object constancy to the ability to extend grace to another person, in lieu of how they are acting. It is having the emotional attunement to reason that this person’s behavior has nothing to do with me, and therefore, I am not tempted to hate or devalue them, just because they did something (probably inadvertently) to disappoint me.
People who lack object constancy tend to see others as either all good or all bad, particularly their spouses. This phenomenon helps to explain the abuse cycle of love bombing, devaluation, and discard, so commonly used by narcissists.
This cruel, confusing devaluation cycle only makes sense if we can come to an understanding of what a lack of object constancy looks like, and how it plays out in relationships. The demise of a relationship is inevitable if a disordered person comes to view their significant other as either their best friend or their worst enemy. Behavioral nuances are not taken into account if one lacks object constancy.
The inability to see others in an integrated light is a developmental issue in which the child failed to develop a healthy sense of self as their personality was forming. They did not develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver. This could be the result of the child not having their emotions mirrored back to them or even acknowledged.
Absence Does Not Mean Abandonment
Children, with a healthy sense of object constancy, were taught that absence does not mean abandonment; that mother is a loving and stable presence, who is a separate entity, even when she is away. These are skills children must learn in order to be emotionally healthy adults who can operate in mutually fulfilling relationships.
This lack of attunement, and healthy bonding, occurs when a child’s emotions are not validated or soothed. The child then comes to view emotions as shameful, awkward, and uncomfortable. This belief is carried into adulthood and played out in their primary relationships. People abuse how they were abused.
Developmental trauma is a key factor in why people with personality disorders struggle with intimacy, emotional intelligence, and relating to others in general. It also sheds light into why many of them bounce from relationship to relationship, searching for something that can’t be found, because that something was never formed and nurtured in childhood.
If such a person does stay in a long-term relationship, it is likely because their partner has lived a life of compromise and self-denial. This is why relationships with narcissists implode when the non-toxic partner starts standing up for their rights. Now, the person who merely wants to be seen and loved, has become enemy #1, and must be devalued and discarded.
People with personality disorders, particularly those with Cluster B personality disorders, use a myriad of defense mechanisms due to their lack of object constancy. The use of these defense mechanisms is one reason narcissists are so infuriating and impossible to deal with. They are acting out, on a daily basis, how they were treated as children.
Object Constancy & Defense Mechanisms
Examples of defense mechanisms that arise from a lack of object constancy are:
- Splitting: Viewing people or situations as all good or all bad, without compromise.
- Black and white thinking: This rigid way of thinking is similar to splitting, where nuances are not taken into account. I think this is why narcissists have faulty analytical skills, and as a result, make poor decisions.
- The inability to resolve conflict: Compromise, analyzation, and reason fly out the window when someone views the world in such a simplistic way.
- Blaming, lying, and denial: Emotional intelligence is necessary if one is to recognize and admit their own culpability in a situation. Without a healthy emotional IQ, all responses will be emotionally-driven from a place of brokenness.
- Jekyll and Hyde behavior: Rigid thinking patterns can result in unexplainable and unreasonable behavior that doesn’t make sense to those who are the recipients of such confusion.
- Lack of accountability: Compromise and conflict-resolution can never be reached if someone has no accountability for what they’ve said or done, based on their inaccurate way of perceiving the world.
Object constancy is a term that anyone living with a narcissist needs to understand if they hope to remain in a long-term relationship with someone who lacks a sense of constancy. Understanding this concept is important to better understand the reasons behind narcissistic behavior.
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