Necessary Endings & New Beginnings [My First Christmas Alone]
It’s been a year… That’s the understatement if there ever was one. Last year marked the end of my marriage, and along with it, the end of an era. My divorce was finalized last April, I sold my house of 17 years in September, and relocated states in October. Here’s how I’m feeling about my first Christmas alone.
There have been many endings, along with many firsts. This is my first Christmas living alone. Many people have asked me if I feel lonely. No, I don’t struggle with loneliness. For that I am grateful. I’m very much aware that those who are lonely struggle much.
Although, I do feel a range of emotions, the number one emotion that overrides them all is a pervasive sense of blessed relief. Relief is such an all-encompassing emotion – it’s almost as if a heavy, warm blanket has been draped over my entire being.
I’m relieved to be set free of living a charade for so long. For trying to make a relationship work that wasn’t meant to be. Living a lie is hard on the psyche, it was hard on me physically and it shattered my emotions. I felt like my life force was being methodically sucked out of me – almost like being slowly suffocated.
The oppression was like nothing I’d ever experienced. So much so that I didn’t have words for how I was feeling. Being alone after so many upheavals is such a reprieve.
The quietness has allowed me to have time and space to grieve a marriage that I didn’t foresee ending, to process an array of emotions that invariably surface and at the strangest times, and the time and clarity to plan and strategize for what I want my future to look like.
It’s a surreal time. A time to refocus and reset…
If I were home decorating, sewing, cooking, socializing, shopping and just being generally immersed in the hustle and bustle of all the endless things the holidays entail, there is no way I would be able to quiet my mind and calm my emotions as I’ve been able to do sequestered in the woods. It’s truly been healing…
One thing I do get nostalgic about is my music. I was the pianist for a choir for four Christmases in a row. I sometimes dream about my fingers flying over the keys. The music was glorious. Being part of a musical endeavor fed my soul, yet I know I wouldn’t have the stamina to learn the pieces or go to the innumerable practices.
That is if I even had a piano, which I don’t. I sold it before I moved. I thought I’d be devastated selling it, but I mainly just felt relief. I’ll buy another piano when I land somewhere permanent.
Do I miss all the other festivities? In a word “No.” I sometimes worry that I don’t. Like maybe I’m not normal, and that I should miss them. But, then I think back to the whirlwind of a year it’s been, and I give myself grace for feeling the way I do.
My distraction-free environment is allowing my frayed emotions a much-needed rest from the turmoil and unpredictability of last year. I’m finally settling into a place of feeling protected and grounded. It’s taken awhile for my nervous system to unwind, but I feel like I’m turning a corner.
Living by Mount Shasta has intensified these feelings of groundedness because of the healing frequency of the mountain. It’s as if the forest and the mountain air have wrapped me in an insulated, soothing cocoon that is methodically rocking me back to wholeness. They say the mountain is a mirror that will reflect back to you the biggest truths of your life. That’s pretty much spot on.
I have the sensation that time is standing still, and with it all the commotion that has for so long vied for my energy, time and attention. It can be a little disorienting at times. Traveling a different road, one that’s headed in an entirely different direction than I anticipated, is exciting.
That’s not to say I don’t have my moments of feeling unmoored. I’m guessing this is normal and to be expected. Being in uncharted territory is both thrilling and unnerving all at the same time.
As I sit here in my cozy, stuck-in-the-70s rental, that is devoid of one Christmas decoration, I am soooo thankful to be living life on my terms. I’m immensely grateful for the chance to recharge and recalibrate. I’m putting a premium on cultivating peace.
I remember all the Christmases past that were happy, and I’m holding those memories close to my heart. AND I’m looking forward to what all the Christmases going forward will look like. I’m in a much better place this Christmas than I was last year. It’s so refreshing not to be walking around in a daze.
Endings are excruciatingly painful, but at the same time so necessary for growth, and for life to be infused with new hopes and dreams. May we all embrace the necessary endings and new beginnings in our lives. 
Happy Holidays. Much love to you all… 
p.s. I would love for you to join my private Facebook Group, The Toxic Relief Room, because who doesn’t need some relief from the toxicity in our lives.