I hear the following question a lot in my business: “Will living with a narcissist ever get easier?” The short and succinct answer is “No!” And not only will it not get better, it will undoubtedly, get worse.
People with personality disorders are unstable, erratic, unpredictable, and incapable of regulating their own emotions. They’re up one day and down the next. This can even be a minute-to-minute or hour-to-hour sort of thing. Guess who they take with them on this confusing roller coaster of highs and lows?
Yes, that’s right – YOU…
The smallest of stimuli can trigger their gaping childhood wound, causing them to blame and rage at you – and then later deny it. Narcissists aren’t capable of self-reflection, nor can they emotionally self-soothe, so they must blame an innocent target in order to diffuse their pain.
Worse yet, their rage will escalate if you don’t apologize and accept blame for something you did not do. You are the responsible party, and are therefore, punished for their pain. The more pain they’re in, the more they’ll double down on the idea that what they’re feeling, is your fault.
These denial and blaming tactics are used to minimize THEIR pain at YOUR expense.
If you’re in a long term relationship with a narcissist, your life will feel like a series of never-ending waves (some of them tidal waves) that you constantly have to figure out how to emotionally surf.
Don’t bother trying to improve the relationship. All of your efforts will be in vain. You will be invalidated, mistreated, and even threatened, no matter how hard you try.
Things can be going great one minute, and then out of nowhere, a narcissistic partner can be triggered to where you are no longer surfing. You’re now underwater drowning and gasping for air.
The bottom line is this: the longer you live with a narcissist, the more and more exhausted and distraught you will become trying to be optimistic, hopeful, and helpful. At some point, you’ll be able to recognize this cycle of abuse.
This is, indeed, a sad state of affairs because, other than escape the relationship, there is nothing you can do to make your home life emotionally safe and stable. You can’t teach anyone, no matter how devoted you are to them, how to be normal.
Let’s take it a step further; you can’t teach someone with a hardened heart how to be a loving, caring human being.
Nor should this be part of your job description…
Can I get an ”Amen?!”
P.S. If you’re ready to join a powerful, transformative community where women can heal and connect: