Dear Men,
I’m going to let you in on some powerful insider secrets that have the potential to change your life forever, IF you have the humility and the courage, to hear. Women are all about the heart. Would you like to know how to win a woman’s heart? If you want access into a woman’s world, you need to learn how her heart operates. She’ll give you the world if you do. It’s more than worth the effort, and the effect it will have on your children, will be priceless and profound.
Table of Contents
How To Win A Woman’s Heart (7 Keys)
1. Be Careful With Your Words
Words are powerful, unforgettable messengers that either have the ability to heal and encourage or to tear down, diminish, and injure. Women remember words, along with the context, in which they were spoken. Be careful with your words, men. They will forever be etched in your wife’s memory. This can work for you or against you. Forever is a long, long time to be convicted of something you said. Choose your words wisely.
Words that are not life-affirming will gradually erect walls, that once built, are really tough to tear down. Once these walls are up, most women will retreat emotionally, which is just one step away from retreating physically. It’s only a matter of time… she WILL leave you once her heart has reached its threshold of wounded-ness.
Most women reach a threshold when it comes to emotional pain. Once reached, most will completely checkout and become invisible. Men… the effect of this withdrawal will be devastating on YOUR children because you just deprived them of the best version of their mother. You are robbing your children. This has tragic, and long-term, implications.
Here’s a helpful visual for you: Cement this in your imagination. It will serve you well and will impact generations. The most important work you will do is heart work…within your marriage and your home.
“Think of a woman like a wilted plant… water her with your words. The dividends will be enormous.”
2. Resist The Urge To Be Critical
In a word… “gently suggest:” Most people, including women, are open to constructive criticism, and are even appreciative of it, IF it is couched in sincere love. A woman’s heart will determine, and absorb the intent, in which those words were delivered. Her heart will make the determination, whether what she is assessing is correct or not.
The Bible tells us that the heart can think? (Proverbs 23:7). Your woman’s heart is thinking, and much of what it is thinking about has to do with you. You get to choose, by your behavior and actions, how well you are represented in her heart. Women tend to mull things over in their minds and imaginations. This, men, does not work well in your favor if you’re missing the mark.
Women are grace-givers by nature, but at some point, and I can promise you this, the grace will run out if her bucket is continually being drained. It’s just the way it works… this is simple math. If you don’t want to get burned, don’t play with fire. Please men, give your woman inordinate amounts of grace. Return the favor she is bestowing on you.
Women are givers, we work so hard, and we’re depleted much of the time, due to the demands placed on our emotions and bodies. The expectations are great and never-ending. See what the woman, who you have professed to love and protect, does and acknowledge all that she does. She’s doing so much… she’s tired. Acknowledge her efforts consistently. You will be rewarded. And remember…. much of what she does, she is doing for you.
Since giving grace will only take five seconds of your time, it really is a moot point that you should be doing it consistently. It takes so little effort on your part, especially considering the payoff that you will be the recipient of. On days where you can tell the burden is extra heavy, give extra grace. She’ll love you for it.
Your children will love you, as well…. because they’re watching, they’re lurking, and they’re learning, and remembering. Your actions will be seared into their memories forever.
How you treat your wife will be modeled in your children’s lives long after you’re gone… essentially, you’re protecting your grandchildren by how you treat your wife. This is a generational issue that you have control of right within your own home. Right now. YOU set the precedent, which leads us to the next point.
3. Lovingly Lead
Women love men that lovingly and righteously lead. There is something very appealing about strong male leadership. All women want it, even if they say they don’t. The ones that say they don’t need it have been wounded. Their emotions are jaded because they’ve been let down and hurt. The result is… they’re afraid to trust again. They feel they must protect their hearts from getting hurt again. Gently, and over time, you have the power to rebuild that trust.
Men crave respect, yet it’s very difficult for a woman to respect a man that isn’t doing his job. Women don’t want to have to lead. It’s burdensome to us. It should not be part of our job description. We have plenty to do as it is. Don’t burden us with more than we are already doing.
God designed men to be leaders within the home… not women. You’ll only add to your wife’s exhaustion, and you’ll burden your children, who deserve to have a happy mother who is loved by her husband. Love is not an emotion, it’s a verb. Men are equipped to lead. Please lead and lead well. This is how you garner the respect you crave. There is no other way.
4. Validate To Understand
Just as a matter of course, plan on NOT understanding how your wife feels most of the time. It’s a given. You won’t… and it’s okay that you don’t. You are not required to understand in order to support. You can support and validate without understanding how she feels.
Another notable point… do not get defensive. Please don’t automatically assume she’s upset with you. This is prideful. What she’s feeling may have absolutely nothing to do with you. There are many moving parts in a woman’s world… it could be any number of things that are bothering her, excluding you.
Emotions are not black and white. They can be confusing. Women, many times, are confused by their own emotions. I know I am. Just be there for her. It’s really so simple… how much time and effort does it take to provide comfort and care to the most important person in your life?
Again… your children are watching. Don’t underestimate the power of example.
Since men and women’s brains are wired differently, it takes a special breed of man to intuit that a woman has feelings that need to be addressed… feeling that don’t have anything to do with him.
Be that special breed of man for her… be a cut above the rest. You know your wife, or at least you should. Did her face fall when you made that insensitive comment? That’s your clue….. you punctured her heart. Repair the damage. Learn to read the clues that she’s injured. Sometimes she won’t have the emotional bandwidth to tell you that she’s hurt. Look for the signs that she is. They’re fairly easy to spot if you’re looking.
Words are like arrows that go straight through the heart. They leave scars. Scars are hard to repair. Don’t leave scars. Woman are like balloons… we deflate when we’re hurt. Pay attention, men! Be observant. Be an emotional detective. Be a sleuth that uncovers clues. It doesn’t take much time out of your busy schedule… it’s all about noticing and addressing.
Address issues as they arise. Don’t let them fester… because fester they will. It may appear, on the surface, that the issue has been forgotten. It hasn’t. Don’t get your hopes up. You know that wall I referred to previously? The one that was gradually built by your inattentiveness? You just added a few more bricks to it by being inconvenienced by her emotions. She’s inconvenienced too, and by so much more than just her emotions.
The male and female brains, are not only wired differently, our endocrine systems operate differently, we don’t process information the same. The way we were raised could be worlds apart, not to mention that men and women are treated different culturally. As a result, how men and women perceive the world can be radically different. These differences are a lot to navigate in relationships. Help your woman navigate these rough waters. She needs your strength.
Don’t assume, men, that she isn’t dealing with “your perceptions of the world” daily. Again, return the favor. Don’t treat her like a second-class citizen because she’s upset about something. I can assure you… she has her reasons. Women are far too busy to make up feelings. She’s not being needy or hormonal. She lives on the same broken planet, with the same broken people, as you do. Respect and honor what she’s been through. She’s likely doing the same for you.
Women are all about the heart. Jesus was all about the heart, so much so, that that’s what He changes in us when He prunes and transforms us. Be like Jesus…. value the heart above all else “for out of it flow the issues of life…” and that’s where all our treasures come from. The heart is that important. It’s why we are commanded to guard it.
Guard your wife’s heart, men. It’s the most important work you’ll ever do, and it will save you thousands of dollars in divorce court… and the chances of visiting one of your children in prison will be greatly reduced. It takes so little effort on your part. You could be preventing something truly disastrous.
5. Listen To Help Her Identify
What does it mean to listen? Here’s the mechanism behind why the art of listening is so powerful. Being attentive as a woman pours out her heart is life-sustaining. Once a woman is able to verbalize what’s bothering her, many times she’ll be able to identify the problem HERSELF. It’s a “sorting-out” type of thing. Women sort and solve by talking. Help her out in this regard by lending an ear. She’s not asking you to solve a thing. Simply listen. It’s so easy, and you may not even have to say a word.
If she’s upset about something you did, apologize and try to restore what you broke. So often, what you broke is her heart. Repair it. She wants the one who broke it, to be the one who repairs it. This is true healing. Yes, she can run to her mother, her sister, and her girlfriends, but what she really wants, and needs, is YOUR arms, YOUR words. She craves your comfort. Anything else is counterfeit.
If it was something you said that upset her, explain to her why you said what you said. Apologize for being flippant or sarcastic or insensitive. Women, generally, are naturally forgiving. We want relationships to work. We put a premium on our families. We want harmony and happiness within our homes. Make it all better. It is within your power to do so.
Another thing to keep in mind… she may not be upset, so much about the bill that just came, but rather the insensitive remark that you made earlier. Walk her through it. She needs your insight and manly wisdom. Remember too, it’s usually not just one thing that bothers us women, when we’re upset. It’s a build-up of small things, over time. The cumulative-effect is real, and it’s playing out in your wife’s life. You can circumvent this build-up by addressing issues as they arise.
Here’s a powerful exercise, and it only takes a minute… a few seconds, really. Close your eyes and imagine what your life would look like without your wife. Dial down all the implications of her exit, whether by choice or by death. People die every day. Your wife is not immortal. Let her know how much you need her. Let her know how valuable she is in your life.
She’s going to be hard to replace if she leaves you. And… it’s going to be costly to replace her. It will break your heart when she’s gone. You’ll realize, then, what you had. Regret is the most excruciating of all emotions, because we can’t get back time, once it’s gone. Sometimes, there are no second chances. Don’t gamble on the fact that you’ll get one.
Here’s a practical scenario men… since you’re visual. It clearly depicts the simplicity of what I’m talking about:
- Angry storm clouds are brewing overhead. Husband can feel the storm, but has no idea what’s wrong. “Is it me?” He wonders.
- Man puts arm around woman, and says: “Let’s talk about what’s bothering you” (this is where perception comes in).
- Woman’s heart promptly melts (battle is mostly won right here).
- She proceeds to unburden the contents of her heart to *listening* man (this takes all of five minutes).
- The clouds part and the sun shines through. All is well once again.
- Man scores an inordinate amount of points that work in his favor without doing much… the woman has now clarified the problem just by talking it through.
This scenario is the epitome of little effort (5 minutes, maybe 10 tops), HUGE reward (including physical touch). If you want a healthy, passionate, and robust sex life… I just told you exactly how to get it.
It’s astonishing to me that every man on this planet does not know, and understand, this highly-effective scenario… because it’s so simple, and it works every single time in their favor. A woman who feels loved and protected will give her husband the world, not to mention, the divorce rate would significantly decrease, right along with the number of broken-hearted children who will spend their entire lives trying to fill the void inside that should have been filled within a loving home.
Men, when you lead righteously and compassionately, your children will remember how stalwart and caring you were long after you have passed from this life. And… they’ll miss your presence when you’re gone. Give your children the gift of wholeness.
6. Conflict Resolution
Resolving conflict, as it occurs, is crucial for relationships to thrive. Addressing problems prevents walls from being built in the first place. People divorce over built walls. Walls that have become intractable are extremely hard to tear down. Don’t get to this point in your marriage. Solve problems in real-time, as they happen. Preventing a wall from being built is so much easier than trying to tear down a 100-foot wall.
Many relational issues can be resolved by merely talking them through. Some issues are not that complicated. It could be a simple misunderstanding that can be resolved within minutes. However, if left to fester, can become monumental over time. Remember what I said about the cumulative-effect? Matters of the heart require time, attention, and care. Give of your time, men. Don’t become so busy with your work, and your hobbies, that you neglect what is most important.
You will not give a hang about your job, your motorcycle, or your favorite sports team in your latter years. It will be your wife, your children, and the family unit that you will treasure most. Treasure them now, so this will be your reality, then. Adult children will not be drawn to you, in your old age, if they did not bond with you when they were growing up. Think long-term, men…. your wife and children will be your greatest assets as your life winds down.
Relationships can endure hard times, and become stronger, even rock-solid, if a couple commits to resolving conflict as a non-negotiable in their relationships… without pointing fingers or blaming. A sincere apology is like a healing balm of Gilead when it comes to relationships. Women love men who apologize. Sincerely, and without being forced or asked, apologize often. Your life will bear fruit because of it.
7. Women’s Bodies Need To Be Loved In A Non-Sexual Way
I know exactly where all of your minds just went. That’s not what I’m referring to, although I do think a compatible sexual relationship is vital, and functions as super glue that holds a relationship together. The sexual experience is so essential because it represents a powerful sense of belonging in a marriage. We all want to belong to someone. We all need to belong…
Over the years, I’ve noticed a lack of male attentiveness, and acknowledgement, when it comes to men loving women’s bodies, apart from sexuality. This is not good. I know, because every week, I hear countless, heartbreaking stories from women, regarding this issue. Sadly, this is a significant contributor to the rise in female cancers and autoimmune diseases. It’s also why women run to their mothers and sisters for support and care. Many men do not care to meet this need. Learn, men. You learn your craft, your trade, your job, why not learn the most important skill of all? The one that matters most, and the one that will pay the highest dividends.
So often in life, women carry significantly more of the work load than men. Life throws so much our way. We bear children, we put our careers on hold to raise them, we sacrifice our bodies, we contribute to finances, we decorate houses, we cook, we clean, we sew, we make our yards beautiful, we prepare for every holiday, we are multitasker aficionados.
Women are always in the process of maintaining… we manage the finances, we never forget a birthday, we nurture our friends, we try to keep our husbands happy, we work to maintain our figures, we work on improving ourselves, we go through menopause, we give and give and give. And so many times, it feels like it’s never enough. We are, somehow, always falling short, and not measuring up. And that hurts… because we’re trying so hard, and running on empty, much of the time. But if we complain, we are often labeled as naggers.
Women get tired, we get hungry, we get cold, our bodies go through so much. So much more than men’s, and I’m not referring to childbearing only. Women want men to see, and acknowledge, what we go through, and all that we do. Women are warriors, many times wounded ones.
Care for your wives when they’re sick, men. Send your wife to the spa a couple times a month. Buy her a massage. It’s really an indirect way of improving you and your children’s lives. Don’t expect your wife to function on fumes. She can for a while, but she’s human, just like you. She will eventually burn out, and you’ll have to deal with the fallout. Your actions aren’t free. Consequences always … eventually come calling. You will not be the exception.
What does this look like in real life? Buy, or make, your wife a meal when she’s hungry, run her a bath if she’s sore after a workout. Carry the heavy things. It’s so much easier for you, than her. Do not make derogatory remarks about her body. She bore YOUR children… at great expense to herself. You have no idea, especially in this culture, the pressure that is on women to look good.
Your wife is feeling this pressure every single day. Please do not add to her burden. There are so many expectations on women to look a certain way. If she needs to lose weight, trust me… she knows.
It’s not your job to remind her. You do not need to point out the obvious. And since we’re on the subject… I would remind you to take a good look at yourself. How are you doing, in this regard, when it comes to your health and weight? Could she say the same thing about you?
Simple things, done with love, mean a lot to us all. Your wife is noticing all the little things you do. Women want to be acknowledged, validated, and seen, too. Attend to matters of the heart.
Bonus Tip: No Competition
It’s a shame that competition is even a thing within marriages, but sadly it is, and I think one reason is because men are more competitively wired than women… generally speaking. I’m not saying women don’t contribute to this. Since men and women are designed to function as a team, competitiveness can put a rift in relationships.
Please don’t compete with the woman in your life, men. Put a premium on teamwork. You’ll be much more effective as a leader in your family, and as a husband, if you adhere to this principle. God designed men and women to complement each other, not to compete. Your wife will be stronger in some areas than you, and you will be stronger than her in other areas. Leverage this to your advantage. Most women are way too busy to compete.
In Closing
Men, if you want a wife who will love you with all her heart, you are going to have to put in the work… consistently. This is not a weekend-only type of deal. It’s an every-day type of deal. What you want is not free. It will require work on your part.
Every woman on this planet wants a mad love affair, and here’s the really great news, men. You can give that to her by attending to the principles I’ve outlined in this article. And the really, really great part is…. heart work is simple at its core. Not complicated, not hard, perhaps awkward at first, but you’ll get over the awkwardness of addressing feelings the more you do it. And the more you witness the payoff.
When it comes right down to it, a bit of awkwardness trumps broken lives and hearts. This is the way we change the world… one marriage at a time, one family at a time. It begins at the foundation. The implications of not doing the necessary heart work within your homes, men, is dire. Respect and love are two-way streets. Women adore men. Be that man for her. She is your greatest treasure.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church…”
Ephesians 5:25-29